Mom, What's a Period?

Fuck this NATO summit, I'm not supposed to bring a bag on the CTA so instead of eating the pan seared veal and butternut squash my husband made me I'm probably going to end up eating a sandwich from 7-11. I don't want to talk about NATO though, I want to talk about periods. I don't know why I started a blog about periods with my feelings on NATO and 7-11 sandwiches (fuck them). I guess if you don't like my disjointed writing style you can pay me to blog for you professionally and I'll force myself to be cohesive or whatever. (I'm sorry 7-11 sandwiches, I didn't mean it when I said fuck you, you are my everything.) OK! PERIODS! When I got mine I was so embarrassed I didn't tell anyone and made my own maxi pads out of giant wads of toilet paper. First I tried to use my moms tampons but this was back in the dark ages of periods (1991) when using a tampon was like shoving an empty toilet paper roll up your vagina. Seriously that was probably the single most traumatizing thing that has ever happened to my vagina, plus the diagram, HOLY SHIT. You know who's on our side in the war against women? Tampon scientists. So many awesome tampon advances. Using a tampon these days is a joy and a privilege. Anyway, I have no idea why I was so embarrassed to have a period that I wouldn't even tell my progressive feminist mom. How fucking retarded. Clearly I'm not embarrassed anymore as I'm shouting it from the proverbial rooftops that are the Internet. HELLO WORLD, I HAVE A PERIOD. When do girls become ashamed of their vaginas? It's not some kind of weird innate original sin thing or whatever because my daughter loves her vagina and wants to stick everything in there. I am going to start teaching her about periods now. Why do we wait until girls are 11 or whatever to give them this information. I respect my toddler and I'm going to teach her about periods at the same time I teach her about peeing and pooing. Numbers one, two, and three. Do they have a book for kids about how cool periods are? If not maybe I'll write one. "everybody poops and 51% of us bleed as well." One time I had a boyfriend who didn't even like the word period. Here's what you say to that sort of idiot: IF THERE WERE NO PERIODS THERE WOULD BE NO REPRODUCTION AND THUS NO FUCKING. YOU SHOULD THANK ALL THE GODS ON MOUNT OLYMPUS FOR PERIODS, HOMBRE. I can't wait to pass that gem on to the future generation. 

4/20, I don't get you.

So 420 is a real thing people celebrate. Like, grown people. Celebrities, even. Don't ask me why celebrities are smoking so much weed when they can totally afford real drugs like cocaine and butt hash.  How do adults celebrate 420? I mean regular adults, not celebrity ones. Celebrities aren't real adults anyway, they're like giant rich children you want to have sex with. do adults celebrate 420 by waking up at 420 am and smoking in their bed with all their friends? That's how I celebrated 420 when I was in college and thought it was awesome that I could do shit like smoke joints in my own room for the first time. Or have boys sleep over. I had boys sleeping over all the time like boys that I wasn't even ever going to have sex with. FOR NO REASON.  One time Sabrina told me she didn't like Halloween. "I thought you were my soulmate," I thought, "but now I realize that I hate you just as much as I hate everyone else." just kidding I'm still in love with her in a gay way. Anyway she says people just want to dress like sluts on Halloween and she hates it because people should just dress like sluts every day. I dressed like pee wee Herman for Halloween so I have no idea what she's talking about.  I looked like a ladyboy and I'm pretty sure if I dressed like pee wee Herman every day someone would eventually perpetrate a hate crime against me. Anyway that's how I feel about 420. The only people who get excited about smoking weed on that day are people who smoke weed EVERY day. Do they have a day for smoking cigarettes? I really miss those guys. I don't smoke weed anymore. Or whatever the fuck people are even calling it these days. I don't need to smoke because I'm like perpetually stoned feeling. I can sit on a couch and feel totally awkward and weird for days. It's like, my natural state. If I'm going to ingest something psychotropic  it's going to be something to make me LESS introspective and creepy.

I'm Going To tell it to You like it is

I went to church with my mother in law. Catholic church. And I didn't even burst into flames. Is that what you were thinking? YOU WENT TO CHURCH AND WERENT STRUCK DOWN BY JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD AND SAVIOR? If you're catholic you were probably thinking that because thats what my two catholic friends said to me, "you walked into church and didn't burst into flames???" uh, no, the ghosts that you believe run shit did not throw fireballs down at me from outer space as I walked into your stupid church. It's weird to realize you have friends who think you're some kind of monster just because you believe in science, and not, like, talking snakes and people rising from the dead. People are fucking rude.

Anyway. Catholics. I don't get them. I'm not talking about the fact that they believe all their dead relatives are currently residing in the sky wearing white gowns, although I don't get that either, I'm talking about the fact that most of the Catholics I know will try to convince me that it's not a bigoted and misogynistic religion, which, sorry, it totally is. Sorry Catholics, you don't get to individually decide what Catholicism is, the pope gets to decide that, because he is the vessel on earth that god speaks through or something, and if you're not down with that than I'm pretty sure you're just a regular Christian, or maybe just "spiritual" whatever that even means. You know what, if I was living in 1938 or whatever and tried to tell people my hitler's youth group chapter wasn't all about ethnic cleansing people would think I was crazy. "not all of hitlers youth hate jews, *eyeroll* its really great for fostering a sense of community." HAH. Guess what Catholic bitches, YOU ARE THE ONES WHO ARR FUCKING CRAZY. You can bitch about Rush Limbaugh all day but you keep donating money to and claiming membership of an organization that seeks to strip you of your reproductive rights, way to support the patriarchy, dudes.

No I did not burst into flames when I walked into the church, I have fucking integrity and don't support morally reprehensible institutions whose tenets defy my own values. Did you? Fucking hypocrite.

Susan G Komen can S my D.

The Susan G Komen foundation no longer supports planned parenthood, which is weird, but good for me because I always senselessly hated that fucking foundation, and now I know why. The SGK foundation is the breast cancer foundation that invented the pink ribbon and then sued anybody else who tried to use it. Because its their intellectual property or whatever, although I don't know what's so intellectual about using a symbol that's already used for all kinds of other shit but making it the color of vaginas and cotton candy. It's also the foundation for which you can walk around a high school track for three days straight if you can raise enough money I think you have to raise like a thousand dollars. That shit aggravates the fuck out of me. No, I'm not going to give you money so you can perform some idiotic activity for fucking charity. If I wanted to donate money to charity I would just do it, I'm not going to wait for some idiot to approach me with a fucking spreadsheet and an envelope. Who are these fucking idiots that are so into wasting their time and annoying their friends.

Also, those fucking pink ribbons. Why are they always on the worst shit ever. No I don't want to eat a fucking yoplait yogurt for the cure. Just the idea of yoplait yogurt makes me feel irate and insulted and I'm not even totally sure why. Probably because of their stupid ass marketing strategy of ZOMG, SHOES, CHOCOLATE, DIETING! I also don't want a stupid Estée Lauder bronzer with a pink ribbon mosaic-ed into it. I'm probably more likely to actually NOT buy something with a pink ribbon on it even if it's something I want and need. Like, ew there's a pink ribbon on it, do they have a different brand, oh they but it costs more? That's ok, I'll pay extra to not have to look at a pink ribbon. This is kind of like how as soon as I heard they were making a movie out of The Road I rushed out and bought it right away because I was horrified by the prospect of waiting and being forced to buy a copy with Viggo Mortenson on the cover. Like when I gave away my copy of The Rules of Attraction to a friend and he was like "oh, didn't you like it" and I'm like "no it was great, but there's a picture of Shannon Sossamon on it, please take it away from here." just kidding that never happened, I bought that book way before that horrible movie came out, but can you imagine, Shannon Sossamon? Or however you spell it.

Anyway, can you believe the Susan G Komen foundation? What a bunch of dicks! They should rename themselves the Susan G Komen for rich people who don't have to rely on planned parenthood for healthcare since our government hates wome foundation.

FEED ME, SEYMOUR!

I hate when I cook for people and they alter my fucking food. Like this weekend I had carrots in my fridge that I was never going to eat because carrots, well, carrots are like one of those books like "the secret life of bees." I'm aware it exists and I hear people talking about it but am I ever going to read it? No, and I don't know why, I just know that I'm not. Carrots are like that except nobody talks about them because they're boring. Anyway I didn't want to throw these carrots out so I roasted them with some garlic and onion and then I stuck it all in a blender with some broth and cream and shit and made soup and it was delicious. I had to make some for my mom, pretty much just because I knew she would ask for the recipe and I could be like BITCH PLEASE, I DON'T USE RECIPES, and everyone's heads would explode in wonder at my culinary genius. Except what actually happened was that my mom told me it was interesting. When someone tells you something is interesting it means they hate it and they don't give enough of a fuck to feign enthusiasm. I know because I tell people that things are interesting all the time. "hm, interesting," I say, ten thousand times a day. Anyway I know my carrot soup was not interesting so I asked her what the fuck she was talking about, and it turns out she put ginger in it. And it probably wasn't real ginger, it was probably powdered ginger that expired in 1994 because she's a hoarder, which we can talk about another day. She probably didn't even taste it before she put ginger in there because if she had WHY WOULD SHE HAVE PUT GINGER IN THERE. Here's a secret I can tell you from when I used to be a consultant. If you have a super intense job interview like say you want to be a CEO or something and they take you out to dinner afterwards they are going to watch to see if you do shit like salt your food before you taste it, and if you do they aren't going to hire you because clearly you are an idiot. Haha, like any CEOs or future CEOs are reading this blog. What was I even talking about. Oh, if I make food for you and you alter it in any way I will never make you food again. You don't ask someone to make you food and then add shit to it, it's insulting. Would you go to Alinea and tell Grant Achatz to hold the foam on your fucking weirdo experimental food from the future? You probably would. And yes I'm comparing myself to the chef from one of the best restaurants in America, possibly the world. My boyfriend that I'm married to puts ketchup on everything I make, so now if he ends up dead you know I killed him and why.

On Beauty

That's a Zadie Smith book, right? On Beauty? Maybe she'll sue me. Anyway. Here's what I didn't like about the first four chapters of The Hunger Games. I read the whole thing but I can only talk about the first four chapters because that's how much I was supposed to read for my book club. I completely suck at being in a book club. Anyway. Katniss. That's the main character, she's 16 and she's named after a post apocalyptic potato. She's a super badass: clever, calculating, good with weapons, pretty fucking stoic, blah blah blah. Kind of like Lisbeth Salander. She's also pretty terrible looking, but only because she doesn't give a shit. Uh, again. Kind of like Lisbeth. When her mom makes her take a bath and put on a dress she is breathtakingly stunning, which is good, because eventually she's going to realize she's not as tough as she thought and totally needs a man, and what kind of man wants a ugly chick, am I right? I mean I'm just guessing, I don't really know what's going to happen by the end of the series, but yeah, that's totally what's going to happen. Anyway that is fucking annoying as shit. Why can't she just be ugly. Or hot. Can't she just be fucking hot and know it? No, she can't. You have to BE hot but you're not supposed to put forth effort or even KNOW about it. Ya heard? Be naturally hot but have no idea, and don't do anything lame like give a shit. Be super skinny while eating a block of cheese! Have beautiful skin and when someone asks if you're wearing makeup say EW OF COURSE NOT, WHO HAS THE TIME? You know what else, I don't even know how to be beautiful because I don't even know what beautiful is. Remember in 2008 or whenever when everybody was hating on Hilary Clinton for being such an ugly dog (Buzz's girlfriend. Woof!) but then they all thought Sarah Palin was attractive? I might be insane but I'm pretty sure Hilary isn't any worse looking than Sarah fucking Palin. You guys, the media is tricking is and I no longer know if I'm pretty. Or I'm pretending I don't.

I have a lot in common with Kanye West

I just read the hunger games. I liked it and I didn't like it. If you haven't read it it's pretty much about Bella from Twilight except she lives in the future where she is forced into a battle to the death with 23 other adolescents, including not-a-werewolf-Jacob. Anyway, I liked it more than I didn't like it, and now I have to read the rest of the series. Please tell me it's a trilogy and I'm not going to have to wait three years for Suzanne Collins to write the fourth one like I did with the Harry Potter series. I didn't particularly like the Harry Potter books at the time that I read them, but after reading Twilight I was forced to reevaluate my standards for young adult literature and my revised opinion is that they are fucking great. I'm reading Kafka on the Shore now. Murakami. When I read Murakami I feel like I'm reading something written by the coolest motherfucker alive. Then I close the book and look at his picture in the back and marvel at the fact that the coolest motherfucker alive is an old ass Japanese man. One day I will write as well as Murukami, and I will publish a book and get a huge advance and pay off all my student loans and win a booker prize. I truly believe this because my whole childhood consisted of adults telling me I was exceptional. I'm not sure if I should carry on this tradition of delusion with my own kid because I haven't decided if its desirable to be a bigger megalomaniac than Kanye West.

Read this, then listen to me talk on yesjessica's podcast

So it's a whole new year. Jesus Christo! I need to blog more. Remember when I used to blog all the time? That was before Jessica started making me read all these terrible books for our podcast. Oh, wanna hear me talk on a podcast? Go to yesjessica.com, she links to it. I would link to it but I'm writing this in notepad. One day I will get my shit together, but today is not that day. I just finished reading outliers. Fucking terrible. Why am I not writing horrible idiotic books where I sloppily sum up research other people did and then collect obscenely large checks for it? I'm just as lazy and stupid as the idiot that wrote that book. WHY AM I NOT MAKING STACKS? Whatever. Maybe I'll write a book on parenting based on that piece of shit book. BASED ON THE MEGA BEST SELLER, OUTLIERS, the cover will say. I'll sum up a book that sums up a bunch of articles, make it even more palatable for the masses. Here, let me chew up this book and spit it into your mouth.

Hm. What else besides outliers. We are going to read hunger games next. The hunger games? Oh god, am I turning into on of those old people that puts "the" in front of places it's not supposed to go? Like "are you sending it through the email?" please don't let me turn into one of those sort of olds, they break my heart. Anyway, I picked the hunger games because I need to read everything that everybody else has read. How else am I going to know how much value to place on everyone as people if I can't judge their literary choices? I'm also reading Kafka by the Shore right now, by Murakami. If you don't like Murakami I don't think we can be friends. Although I do wonder how he gets away with describing what people are wearing all the time. Isn't that something you're not supposed to do? I don't care, I totally want to know what everybody's wearing, because contrary to the popular opinion of moms everywhere, life IS a fashion show.

If you hate getting presents you can send yours to me.

So Christmas is this week. I love Christmas because I love presents and I also like shiny and sparkly shit. I am like a bird that way. You know what, that would be a great present for my baby, a canary. Anyway I read an article this week about presents and how they suck and nobody should give or get them. Ew. I'm so glad I'm not friends with the idiot that wrote that article. What kind of person doesn't like getting presents. Probably the kind of person who over thinks everything. I over think nothing. Again, like a bird. That's not true but I wish it was, that I could hang out on a telephone pole all day thinking about nothing. I would be so dumb. And so happy. Anyway. Some people go crazy over presents. They worry about getting a present from someone they didn't get anything for. Bitch, please. Stop worrying about asinine shit. I love getting presents from people I didn't get anything for, it's called getting something for nothing, something some people will tell you never happens, so fucking embrace it. Who cares if they think you're a rude asshole, if you cared so much about their friendship in the first place you probably would have gotten them something, right? You should let that be your Christmas present to yourself: not caring if every idiot that you know likes you or not. I don't care if anybody likes me and it feels fucking great, let me tell you. And some people do still like me if you can even believe it. If I get someone a present and they don't get me one I assume they are secretly poor. Or that I like them more than they like me. Both of which are fine. I like being friends with poor people and also people who don't like me that much. If I didn't get you a present it's probably because I spent all my money on Thai food and proactiv and have none left. The chick that wrote the article about hating presents was pissed because people always buy her shit she doesn't like and if she wanted it she would have gotten it for herself already. Wow, what a dick. Also, this chick myst be a fucking A + consumer, having all this knowledge about every product that exists and already owning all of the ones she wants. There's lots of stuff i don't have that I want, I probably even want things that I'm not even aware of their existence yet. Those are the best presents! And guess what I do if I get a present I don't like, I give it to some loser who likes crappy shit. Then it's just like I never got it in the first place. Now that Borders isn't a place I bet I'm going to get a lot more crappy shit than usual, but I'm not going to get stressed out about it, because I'm not hung up on shit like reciprocity. That's my holiday guide for you, only get presents for people you want to get presents for and if you get something you hate set it up on top of a sawhorse in your yard and shoot guns at it. Happy holidays.

The closest thing to a love letter I will ever write.

When I was a kid I was obsessed with Stephen King. I read all his books in grade school and my mom told me I should be reading real literature instead. I have no idea why she didn't think Stephen King was worth my time, I think he's a great writer and I should know, I've read every book ever written. Anyway, I was looking at my fucking cute baby in the middle of the night last night when I was supposed to be sleeping and I started thinking about Pet Semetary. Ok I read that book when I was probably like eight and as far as I can remember it's about this family who buries their cat in an ancient Indian burial ground and it comes back from the grave, but evil, and then their son who I think was named Gage (wtf kind of a name is Gage) gets hit by a car and they bury him in the pet cemetery even though he is obviously going to come back evil, which, at the time, I was like THESE PEOPLE ARE SO DUMB THIS IS OBVIOUSLY A TERRIBLE IDEA. Anyway I was looking at my baby last night and thinking, I understand now, I'd totally bury her in the pet cemetery. Have you ever woken up to find some dude you slept with watching you while you're sleeping and you have to pretend you're still asleep because it's so weird? I have, and I seriously fucking hope they weren't thinking about burying me in ancient burial grounds. Anyway the baby comes back to life and the mom is so excited and runs to him and the evil baby stabs her like a million times. To death. Does the dad then bury his dead wife in the pet cemetery? I don't remember, but holy shit, that book isn't even about zombie cats and magic devil babies, it's about grief. And then what did I do, I cried. I don't allow myself to cry during normal life because crying is for freaks and losers, so this is what happens, I eventually wake up at 4am, think about a book I read in 1988, and cry like an idiot. Isn't there also a girl in that book with like spina bifida named Zelda? Damn, now I totally want to re read that book.